Under Attack

A week ago, I was dangling on the edge of the hole. I was scrabbling around for a toehold, holding on to anything I could. Praying didn't seem to be working. Reading the Bible didn't seem to be helping. Everything seemed really hard and hopeless and there was a tightness in my chest that isn't usually there. And I just felt like I was drowning.

By Wednesday night I was sitting under a blanket in a dark room, desperately crying and desperately crying out to God for help. I felt so, so alone.

Usually when I'm in the deep, dark hole... it's just me. And Husband is trying to throw me a rope or a life vest or build me a boat (because sometimes it's not a hole but a deep ocean, hence the drowning). But this week has been different. Suddenly my husband didn't seem friendly to me. He was not my voice of reason, my encourager, the cool and calm to my fiery and fierce. He felt a little bit like... an enemy. And he seems like he might be in his own pit.

We were angry and not speaking much. I began thinking some absurd thoughts, convinced that he was out to get me somehow. The things that were going through my head were insane. That is best way I can think to describe it. I can't even recall exactly what I was thinking, but it was crazy. My mind was hazy and dark and swirling madness.

Husband called me during this thought storm and it was enough of a distraction to get me out of my head. It was like I blinked and woke up from a weird dream.

I texted him a few minutes later, "I think we're under attack." He knew exactly what I meant and responded, "Absolutely are under attack."

Like many things, I never really understood this idea of Satan attacking a person. I've seen more than one post on Facebook recently that says something like, "I must be doing something right 'cause the devil sure is out to get me!" I always kind of thought people were being dramatic or just trying to get a few thumbs ups. Like, I don't know if a bad day qualifies as Satan being out to get you, guys.

But yesterday, I was being attacked. From the inside. Those thoughts were not mine, they were not me. For a minute, I even thought I was losing my mind. I hesitate to even write about this because I know how it will sound to some people, how it would've sounded to me before. (I even did a little bit of googling "spiritual attack" before I sat down to write tonight. It all looked pretty hokey to me. Says Judgey McJudgerson.)

As soon as I had a minute to myself (hours later), I opened my Bible for my daily reading. Immediately:

"Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee." -James 4:7

I prayed this verse over and over for a minute or two. And the sense of release was immediate. (I didn't say relief on purpose. Although I did feel relieved, I felt more like I had been held captive and was set free.)

The next thing I read was like God was speaking to me in a loud, firm voice:

"Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by name; thou art mine." - God (Isaiah 43:1)

And then very gently:

"When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee." - God (Isaiah 43:2)

And the peace that surpasses all understanding filled me. At least for a little while.