More than conquerors.

When I got to the end of writing my post last night, I was a little dumbfounded. A little bit overcome with emotion and gratitude. I didn't know whether to laugh or to cry or to jump up and down and shout.

I cannot always see the ways in which God has his hands on my life. In fact, I would say that I can hardly ever see it, rather I am operating mostly on blind faith and hope. But as I was writing last night, and my brain was sifting and working through my thoughts, I caught a glimpse. There was the briefest, fleeting kind of clarity. I could see how God had covered me. I, who am less than the least of all the saints.

I don't think that being covered by God means that he shields us from pain or difficulty or from terrible things. I think he gives us what we need to survive the pain and terrible things, so that we are not torn down completely, but can rise up and become something greater than we were.

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.
Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:35-39

Sometimes I do feel like I am being killed all the day long.

But God is my refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble. So. Not today, Satan.

Beset

I have lived most of my life thinking I just am what I am. That's a weird statement. Let me try to explain. I think of myself as a decent person. Not perfect, but you know, pretty good. I've always considered myself to have a strong moral compass, a deep sense of right and wrong. In general, I make pretty good decisions (obviously we can't win 'em all). And one of my greatest strengths, in my own opinion, has always been resilience. I might go down, but I don't stay there.

I always thought these things were just a part of who I am, inherently. The way I actually used to think of it was that I was this way "all by myself." I did not attribute any of my qualities (good or bad) to God or anyone else. Not even myself, really. I was just born this way.

And that may be partially true. I now know that everyone is born with their own unique personality and temperament. (There are, of course, innumerable ways experiences and circumstances can affect us as we grow, but that's a whole other thing.) It's there from the beginning: we're whole people as soon as we're born.

But I also now know that I have a creator, and I wasn't just born this way, but I was made this way.

So it was never me, it was God. I was never anything "all by myself." God was always with me, even when I didn't know it, or couldn't see it, or chose not to believe it.

Thou hast beset me behind and before. The "archaic" definition of beset is "be covered with." He covered me behind (in the past) and before (in front of = the future). I was and am covered with and by God.

"O Lord, thou hast searched me, and known me.

Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.

Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.

For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O Lord, thou knowest it altogether.

Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me." - Psalm 139:1-5

"Give thanks: for his mercy endureth forever!" - Psalm 136 (Exclamation point mine. It needed to be said with feeling!)

"For none of us liveth to himself, and no man dieth to himself.

For whether we live, we live unto the Lord; and whether we die, we die unto the Lord: whether we live therefore, or die, we are the Lord's." -Romans 14:7-8

Who am I?

"O Lord, thou hast searched me, and known me.

Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.

Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.

For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O Lord, thou knowest it altogether.

Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me." - Psalm 139:1-5

Sometimes when things are especially calm and the kids are off playing a lot and no one needs me for much, I feel a little lost. Even though someone calling my name every 5 minutes of the day is utterly exhausting, it's also a little bewildering when someone is not calling my name every 5 minutes.

When you stay home with kids and your life pretty much revolves around caring for them, you tend to lose yourself a bit. Combine that loss of self to motherhood with the kind of life events that make you question everything you know and believe: hello, identity crisis.

I've always felt that my kids are my important work. I don't know what else I could possibly be doing that could be as important as this. And then some time in the last year, that thought began to concern me. Not that nothing else could be as important, but I realized I had no idea what else I could do. Period. 

What skills do I have? What do I enjoy doing if it is just me (sleeping doesn't count)? Who am I even??

I had no idea, really.

In the last several days, I've had to talk about things that I never talk about, things I barely even think about. I've had to look as far back into my memories as I can go and examine them in a way I never have before, a way that makes me doubt what I thought I knew (not necessarily a bad thing).

And that question just keeps echoing in my head. Who am I?

It's all a bit unsettling. But Psalm 139 has brought me a lot of comfort. The first few verses have been sitting here in this draft page and I have been reading them every day while I try to figure out how to articulate the things going through my mind.

Psalm 139 is all about how God knows us, every single piece and particle. How he formed us in our mothers' wombs. How he knows where we've been and where we're going. How he can see us even when we think we've shrouded ourselves in darkness.

I might still be figuring myself out, but God knows exactly who I am. All I have to do is listen for that still, small voice and let him help me become who I'm supposed to be.

"And the Lord, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed." -Deuteronomy 31:8

In the Midst

"Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer.

From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

For thou hast been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy." -Psalm 61:1-3

I used to find the Psalms a little bit hard to get through, but the more I read them, the more beautiful they become to me and the more I love them. There is a lot of praising God, but there's also a whole lot of crying out and despair. I like that. Those psalmists were keeping it real. No social media picture perfect stuff.

Life is messy and hard. Everyone's life is messy and hard. We're all going through something.

I wanted to write tonight and I prayed first like I always do, asking God to give me the words, to speak through me to whoever might read this. But the longer I sit here, the more I realize: I don't have anything profound or new or moving to say. I really just want to share some of the words that are giving me hope right now.

"For I reckon the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." -Romans 8:18

"God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her..." -Psalms 46:5

"The battle is not yours, but God's." -2 Chronicles 20:15

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called Life.

There is hope.

“Fear not, little flock...” - Jesus (Luke 12:32)

Well, it's February already. Pretty soon it'll be Christmas again.

Here's where I stand with my personal goals: I haven't written every day, but I have written something most days. I have done my new face care routine at least once a day, but most days not the recommended twice. I have noticed some lightening of my shingles scars, but these big ole bags under my eyes aren't going anywhere yet. Who's surprised, really? I've been perpetually sleep deprived for almost 12 years (no one tells you that some 2/3/4 year olds wake up more often at night than infants or that some kids will always rise at the butt crack of dawn and expect you to be as ready to party as they are). The bags are here to stay.

However, I have diligently spent time praying and reading the Bible every single day! And it has made a world of difference. Did everything I believed to be wrong in my life get fixed? No. Was every day perfect? NOPE. Was I magically the epitome of mother? Haha, no.

But I was able to have hope (even if just a tiny thread) and keep looking forward (or skyward from the bottom of the pit) on some really hard days, when before, I might have just gone back to bed in the middle of the day and cried myself into a nap. Or I might have stayed stuck in a dark stupor for days or weeks. I was able to take my worries and anxieties and lay them at Jesus' feet and know that he and God can handle it, when before I would have tried to "handle" it all by myself, all the way to a burnout.

By looking to God first, I have been able to order my days a little bit better, and to live a little closer to the way he is calling me to live.

And that's the goal, right?

I got the tip to pray Psalm 143:8 first thing in the morning from a book I'm reading, Hello Mornings by Kat Lee. It is really the perfect prayer to start the day with.

"Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee."

I don't just pray it in the morning, either. Sometimes, I find myself using it as a breath prayer (deep breath in, first line, breathe out, second line, and so on - good for calming down). Sometimes, when I don't know what else to say, I'll just pray a piece of it: I lift up my soul to you, I lift up my soul to you, I lift up my soul to you. And trust that the Holy Spirit will take care of the rest.

It goes hand in hand with another piece of scripture I like to pray:

"Thy will be done."

Not my will, but God's.

Father Tim, a character from one of my favorite book series (the Mitford books), calls that "the prayer that never fails."