The End of a Decade

A couple months ago when everyone was doing the so-called decade challenge, I went looking for pictures of myself 10 years ago.

I couldn't find any.

There are probably one or two somewhere, but I don't know where.

10 years ago, I had a newborn baby. I can't remember what I did for New Years that year. Probably nothing. Husband worked all the time then, and it was just two babies and me. But I do remember that I was experiencing depression for the first time in my life. I remember crying all day on Christmas Eve until I finally mustered up the strength to go for a walk and then put the kids' Christmas PJs on for some pictures, then we drove around and looked for Christmas lights.

A funny thing happens when you have a lot of kids. For the first few, everyone is really interested and concerned about how you're doing... but by the time you get to #4, well, it's not that big of a deal anymore. Everyone figures you're an old pro by now... or you're off your rocker already, so what's the big deal. I only mention this because I didn’t know how to talk about what was going on inside my head. I didn’t know how to ask for help and I sometimes wish someone had noticed I desperately needed help.

Around the time my #4 was 7 months old, I was deep, deep into my second bout with postpartum depression. It was scary. I thought I was losing my mind. I finally was able to get some help. I got on an antidepressant. I began to see a therapist. Things got much better.

But I was never quite the same.

I thought it was temporary. The first time around, I was able to come off my antidepressants after about two months. But this second time, every time I tried to wean myself off, I plunged into a deep, dark hole.

Still, I kept trying. I would stay on them for a while, try to improve my bodily health with exercise and healthy diet, then wean off. Go back on, wean off. This year (#4 is 4.5 at the time of this writing), I began to realize that maybe... this isn't going away. I have come to accept that I no longer have postpartum depression, but I have depression. I'm learning how to live with it.

But it has changed me. Especially this year, which has been especially difficult, and has had some really low lows. I woke up one day to realize that I had withdrawn from almost everyone I know. It started with friends, because they are the easiest to let go of. Most of my friends don't live near me and only keep up through Facebook. The few friends I do have here, it's easy enough to say we are all busy until the texts (introvert, no phone calls please) stop altogether. Same with extended family, I guess. Maybe I shut them all out, I'm not really sure. But I can tell now that our relationships are not the same. I feel... separate, somehow. Isolated, different.

So, a lot has happened these 10 years. We went from 2 kids to 6, changed jobs 3 times, bought a house, adopted, started fostering... countless personal struggles. wins, losses, death, depression, anxiety. I know it is the same for many. But I feel like I am just starting to wake up, and getting a feel for my surroundings, beginning to figure out who I am again.

I never really do resolutions. I do have a few personal goals this year, though. I want to spend time with God everyday, write everyday, and start a new daily face care routine. I know that last one is kinda weird, but I am getting older, you know, and it just recently occurred to me that I might like to show my face a little love. These 3 things are simple, but I think a few small changes, over time, can have a huge positive impact.

We Are All Cathedrals

"Today was the kind of day where I could not see the cathedral through the rubble, could not even imagine it or picture it in my mind. It was the kind of day that convinces you this pile of stones will never even be a cathedral, but maybe a tomb instead."

I said that in the last post I wrote, 3 years ago. I remember that day. It's funny because in hindsight, that day was crazy and overwhelming but not necessarily bad. I've had many, many more days like it since then, and many days that were much worse.

Later in that post I say that I know I will be able to look back someday and see the work God is doing. I have not reached that distant point yet. I know that He is doing work. I think that I was right about the cathedral being me, that He is shaping me to be something more than I was before, more than I am right now, more than I can comprehend or imagine. He is using my circumstances to chisel away at parts of me, to build up other parts, to make me into something wholly different. (Something holy?)

Perhaps I can't see it because I am too close. But I have to believe it.

In the last three years, I almost lost myself. I almost drowned in my own life. 2019, in particular, has been a difficult year.

(I love this meme! It is basically a picture of my soul as I limp to the New Year.)

There were days when I didn't think my marriage would survive. I didn't think I would survive. I thought for sure I would irreparably damage my children (still a possibility). But when I remember to focus on God and not myself, I begin to feel more hopeful.

Jesus tells us that in Him, we might have peace. "In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." (John 16:33) (emphasis mine)

Be of good cheer! I love that he says that. Easier said than done sometimes, trust me I know. But remember, He gives power to the faint. (Isaiah 40:29) And know "that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28) That means even the bad things.