A couple months ago when everyone was doing the so-called decade challenge, I went looking for pictures of myself 10 years ago.
I couldn't find any.
There are probably one or two somewhere, but I don't know where.
10 years ago, I had a newborn baby. I can't remember what I did for New Years that year. Probably nothing. Husband worked all the time then, and it was just two babies and me. But I do remember that I was experiencing depression for the first time in my life. I remember crying all day on Christmas Eve until I finally mustered up the strength to go for a walk and then put the kids' Christmas PJs on for some pictures, then we drove around and looked for Christmas lights.
A funny thing happens when you have a lot of kids. For the first few, everyone is really interested and concerned about how you're doing... but by the time you get to #4, well, it's not that big of a deal anymore. Everyone figures you're an old pro by now... or you're off your rocker already, so what's the big deal. I only mention this because I didn’t know how to talk about what was going on inside my head. I didn’t know how to ask for help and I sometimes wish someone had noticed I desperately needed help.
Around the time my #4 was 7 months old, I was deep, deep into my second bout with postpartum depression. It was scary. I thought I was losing my mind. I finally was able to get some help. I got on an antidepressant. I began to see a therapist. Things got much better.
But I was never quite the same.
I thought it was temporary. The first time around, I was able to come off my antidepressants after about two months. But this second time, every time I tried to wean myself off, I plunged into a deep, dark hole.
Still, I kept trying. I would stay on them for a while, try to improve my bodily health with exercise and healthy diet, then wean off. Go back on, wean off. This year (#4 is 4.5 at the time of this writing), I began to realize that maybe... this isn't going away. I have come to accept that I no longer have postpartum depression, but I have depression. I'm learning how to live with it.
But it has changed me. Especially this year, which has been especially difficult, and has had some really low lows. I woke up one day to realize that I had withdrawn from almost everyone I know. It started with friends, because they are the easiest to let go of. Most of my friends don't live near me and only keep up through Facebook. The few friends I do have here, it's easy enough to say we are all busy until the texts (introvert, no phone calls please) stop altogether. Same with extended family, I guess. Maybe I shut them all out, I'm not really sure. But I can tell now that our relationships are not the same. I feel... separate, somehow. Isolated, different.
So, a lot has happened these 10 years. We went from 2 kids to 6, changed jobs 3 times, bought a house, adopted, started fostering... countless personal struggles. wins, losses, death, depression, anxiety. I know it is the same for many. But I feel like I am just starting to wake up, and getting a feel for my surroundings, beginning to figure out who I am again.
I never really do resolutions. I do have a few personal goals this year, though. I want to spend time with God everyday, write everyday, and start a new daily face care routine. I know that last one is kinda weird, but I am getting older, you know, and it just recently occurred to me that I might like to show my face a little love. These 3 things are simple, but I think a few small changes, over time, can have a huge positive impact.
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