I won’t tell you to do things differently. I’m not here to give you advice. We both know that with the pain and suffering and messiness of life, there is also great beauty. You’ve always known that, somehow. Even as a child, you held out hope for what would come after. You had that annoying silver-lining view on life. You kept right on believing you would be fine, no matter what was going on around you.
I don’t want to take that away from you. I wouldn’t change that about you for anything. Your hope is what will carry you through.
But I will tell you this: It’s going to be hard.
It’s going to be much harder than you ever imagined anything could be. There will be darkness so thick you’re pretty sure it's impenetrable, and you’ll wonder if you will ever find light again. You will feel a hopelessness so heavy and tangible that it suffocates you. A loneliness so deep it becomes a physical ache.
You will find yourself standing on the edge of giving up. A place you never thought you could be. Not brave, tough, hopeful Sarah.
You will lose yourself. The Sarah you think you know will disappear piece by piece, very slowly, until you wake up one morning, look into the mirror, and wonder who is looking back at you. You will forget the things you once knew - without question, without doubt - about yourself.
You will get knocked down. Hard. And you will think about not getting back up again. You will think about closing your eyes and allowing yourself to drift into an endless sleep. Not because you're weak, but because you are tired. So tired.
I'm not telling you this to scare you or discourage you.
You will make choices that no one agrees with, that will set you apart. You will lose some friends and outgrow some people and push others away. It's okay. The best ones will find you again, or be there waiting for you when you find yourself again. Your choices will lead you right up to the door of pain and suffering, and you will step right in it.
But I need you to know that you don't give up.
You find a way to pick yourself up and keep crawling on until you can stand up straight again. You discover pieces of yourself along the way and begin to put together a new you. Someone better than before, someone even stronger.
You are beautiful now, even though you can't see it, and you will be even more beautiful for the stretch marks and scars to come.
When you find yourself in the dark, scared and alone, hold on to your hope and remember what I’m telling you. You’ll be okay. You’ll be better than okay. Someday.
I am writing this to you, my past, but also to you, my future. None of us ever arrive. Not in this lifetime, anyway. What's that old saying? "Life is a journey, not a destination." You always liked cliches because they're comforting, and they're usually true.
Love yourself.
