"O Lord, thou hast searched me, and known me.
Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.
Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.
For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O Lord, thou knowest it altogether.
Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me." - Psalm 139:1-5
What skills do I have? What do I enjoy doing if it is just me (sleeping doesn't count)? Who am I even??
I had no idea, really.
In the last several days, I've had to talk about things that I never talk about, things I barely even think about. I've had to look as far back into my memories as I can go and examine them in a way I never have before, a way that makes me doubt what I thought I knew (not necessarily a bad thing).
And that question just keeps echoing in my head. Who am I?
It's all a bit unsettling. But Psalm 139 has brought me a lot of comfort. The first few verses have been sitting here in this draft page and I have been reading them every day while I try to figure out how to articulate the things going through my mind.
Psalm 139 is all about how God knows us, every single piece and particle. How he formed us in our mothers' wombs. How he knows where we've been and where we're going. How he can see us even when we think we've shrouded ourselves in darkness.
I might still be figuring myself out, but God knows exactly who I am. All I have to do is listen for that still, small voice and let him help me become who I'm supposed to be.
Sometimes when things are especially calm and the kids are off playing a lot and no one needs me for much, I feel a little lost. Even though someone calling my name every 5 minutes of the day is utterly exhausting, it's also a little bewildering when someone is not calling my name every 5 minutes.
When you stay home with kids and your life pretty much revolves around caring for them, you tend to lose yourself a bit. Combine that loss of self to motherhood with the kind of life events that make you question everything you know and believe: hello, identity crisis.
I've always felt that my kids are my important work. I don't know what else I could possibly be doing that could be as important as this. And then some time in the last year, that thought began to concern me. Not that nothing else could be as important, but I realized I had no idea what else I could do. Period.
When you stay home with kids and your life pretty much revolves around caring for them, you tend to lose yourself a bit. Combine that loss of self to motherhood with the kind of life events that make you question everything you know and believe: hello, identity crisis.
I've always felt that my kids are my important work. I don't know what else I could possibly be doing that could be as important as this. And then some time in the last year, that thought began to concern me. Not that nothing else could be as important, but I realized I had no idea what else I could do. Period.
What skills do I have? What do I enjoy doing if it is just me (sleeping doesn't count)? Who am I even??
I had no idea, really.
In the last several days, I've had to talk about things that I never talk about, things I barely even think about. I've had to look as far back into my memories as I can go and examine them in a way I never have before, a way that makes me doubt what I thought I knew (not necessarily a bad thing).
And that question just keeps echoing in my head. Who am I?
It's all a bit unsettling. But Psalm 139 has brought me a lot of comfort. The first few verses have been sitting here in this draft page and I have been reading them every day while I try to figure out how to articulate the things going through my mind.
Psalm 139 is all about how God knows us, every single piece and particle. How he formed us in our mothers' wombs. How he knows where we've been and where we're going. How he can see us even when we think we've shrouded ourselves in darkness.
I might still be figuring myself out, but God knows exactly who I am. All I have to do is listen for that still, small voice and let him help me become who I'm supposed to be.
"And the Lord, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed." -Deuteronomy 31:8
❤️
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