I am not enough.

One of the hardest things to do, for me, is to look into the face of anger that is radiating from one of my kids, and keep my cool. To listen to whatever words are spewing from their mouth or to catch their hands before they can hit, and not spit my own fire back at them, is really hard.

Sometimes people will say something to me about how calm I am, or how patient. I'm baffled. I feel like my eyes are just question marks and exclamation points as I look back at them, trying to figure out how to respond. I often don't feel calm. Or patient. Sometimes, really awful things go through my head in the heat of the moment.

I was thinking about this earlier tonight when I left the house after getting really frustrated with one of the kids. I was starting to stew in my anger and I could feel it kind of like a cloud settling down on me. And then a little tiny thought bubble appeared in my head, very subtle, I can barely remember it now, something about grace.

Grace again.

It was something about... being able to know that my thoughts were wrong and I didn't have to act on them. That was God's grace for me right then. It's easy to lash out. It's a lot harder to reign it in, and respond to people with love. (Which I didn't do right before I left, by the way.)

This morning, I woke up before 7. I washed my face and got back in bed (sitting up) to pray and read the Bible. I was ready for the day before the kids got up. A rarity. Every morning someone comes to the bedroom door and asks if it's time to get up and I say, often more than once, "Not yet. In a few minutes." But that's beside the point.

A few hours later, I was thankful for that quiet morning time with God, because I knew that it was carrying me through a difficult morning. I was staying calm while some of my people were raging. I didn't yell. I didn't get angry. I didn't threaten. I didn't punish.

I was so proud of myself. And I kept remembering that quiet time with God, and telling myself: I am not enough, but He is. (That was in one of my devotionals yesterday.) And He was giving me what I needed this morning for all of us to make it through.

I can't be perfect all the time. Or ever. Let's face it, I triumphed this morning, but I had completely devolved by dinner. I live firmly in the Good Enough category of Mom, sometimes World's Okayest. But I believe that God fills in the gaps if I remember to trust in Him. I am not enough, but He is.

"And the Lord, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed." - Deuteronomy 31:8

"Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.

And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4: 6,7

Be still, and know that I am God... Psalms 46:10