It's kind of harder to write when things are going well. Every good story needs conflict, right?
But I feel light today. Airy. Like I can breathe. For a long time now, I have felt crushed down underneath the weight of all these things going on around me, but mostly inside me. Stress, anxiety, depression, guilt, pressure.
Today I can stand up straight again.
I'm learning how to make bread. I didn't even know I could do that! I honestly didn't think I had it in me to learn a new skill like that. There are so many things I have thought I could never do. So many things seemed too complicated, too time consuming, above my skill level, just not something I could do.
Refinishing old furniture/making music/making art/cooking is fine for you, but I can't even go to the bathroom in peace, much less take up a hobby that requires any kind of attention.
I haven't known how to be anything other than Mom, or that I even could be anything else. Or even if I should be.
But God. Lately, God is giving me a new perspective of everything, really, but also... of myself.
"There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of each man which cannot be satisfied by any created thing but only by God the creator, made known through Jesus Christ." - Pascal
Now that I know I have a God-shaped vacuum and I'm not trying to fill it with anything but God, and I'm not trying to hold on to control of my life with white knuckles, I feel like I have a new kind of confidence that I have never felt before. Confidence to be the mother I am called to be, and maybe other things too. Maybe a breadmaker. Maybe a writer. Maybe someday one of those homesteading people with goats and chickens and food I grow myself!
Maybe still "just" Mom, and I feel good about that.
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