I was in the car today, listening to the kids grumble at eachother, and I could feel it starting to drag me down. Constantly trying to help little people manage their emotions and navigate their relationships is exhausting. I was starting to sink. And I was driving along thinking I just wanted to go home and do nothing. I wanted to send everyone to quiet time and then disconnect from my life.
I felt the same way at bed time last night and a lot of nights. I couldn't wait for them to go to bed so I didn't have to think about how to respond to all the things, I didn't have to hear my name anymore, or make sure everyone is doing their jobs or bathing or being read to or not hitting. And then when they were in bed, all I did was mindlessly scroll social media or check my email, in silence and mindless stupor, until I finally dragged myself out of it to do my daily writing.
But I had a sort of... epiphany, in the car today.
I've been thinking about one of my favorite passages of scripture. I was thinking about it while I was writing last night and have been stewing on it in the back of my mind all day.
"I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called,
with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love,
eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.
There is one body and one Spirit -- just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call --
one Lord, one faith, one baptism,
one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.
But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ's gift.
Therefore it says, 'When he ascended on high he led a host of captives, and he gave gifts to men.'
...
And he gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds and teachers,
to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ,
until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ,
so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes.
Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ,
from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love."
- Ephesians 4:1-16 (ESV instead of KJV today)
There is a lot to unpack in that passage, but it is the first verse that kept going through my head. I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called.
What does it mean to be called, to have a calling? How do I walk worthy? AM I worthy? How can I "walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which I have been called" if I shut down as soon as possible? If I check out, if I am just carried along on the whims of all my feelings and my kids' feelings, and the lies my enemy is telling me?
I can't. I can't become who I want to be or who God wants me to be unless I am actively trying, actively praying, actively participating in my own life, not just waiting for the circumstances to change.
Maybe I feel a loss of purpose and sense of aimless wandering because I have chosen, either consciously or subconsciously, not to accept my purpose, not to hone my gifts and use them. Instead I have just been sitting back, watching the show.
No comments:
Post a Comment