Under Attack

A week ago, I was dangling on the edge of the hole. I was scrabbling around for a toehold, holding on to anything I could. Praying didn't seem to be working. Reading the Bible didn't seem to be helping. Everything seemed really hard and hopeless and there was a tightness in my chest that isn't usually there. And I just felt like I was drowning.

By Wednesday night I was sitting under a blanket in a dark room, desperately crying and desperately crying out to God for help. I felt so, so alone.

Usually when I'm in the deep, dark hole... it's just me. And Husband is trying to throw me a rope or a life vest or build me a boat (because sometimes it's not a hole but a deep ocean, hence the drowning). But this week has been different. Suddenly my husband didn't seem friendly to me. He was not my voice of reason, my encourager, the cool and calm to my fiery and fierce. He felt a little bit like... an enemy. And he seems like he might be in his own pit.

We were angry and not speaking much. I began thinking some absurd thoughts, convinced that he was out to get me somehow. The things that were going through my head were insane. That is best way I can think to describe it. I can't even recall exactly what I was thinking, but it was crazy. My mind was hazy and dark and swirling madness.

Husband called me during this thought storm and it was enough of a distraction to get me out of my head. It was like I blinked and woke up from a weird dream.

I texted him a few minutes later, "I think we're under attack." He knew exactly what I meant and responded, "Absolutely are under attack."

Like many things, I never really understood this idea of Satan attacking a person. I've seen more than one post on Facebook recently that says something like, "I must be doing something right 'cause the devil sure is out to get me!" I always kind of thought people were being dramatic or just trying to get a few thumbs ups. Like, I don't know if a bad day qualifies as Satan being out to get you, guys.

But yesterday, I was being attacked. From the inside. Those thoughts were not mine, they were not me. For a minute, I even thought I was losing my mind. I hesitate to even write about this because I know how it will sound to some people, how it would've sounded to me before. (I even did a little bit of googling "spiritual attack" before I sat down to write tonight. It all looked pretty hokey to me. Says Judgey McJudgerson.)

As soon as I had a minute to myself (hours later), I opened my Bible for my daily reading. Immediately:

"Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee." -James 4:7

I prayed this verse over and over for a minute or two. And the sense of release was immediate. (I didn't say relief on purpose. Although I did feel relieved, I felt more like I had been held captive and was set free.)

The next thing I read was like God was speaking to me in a loud, firm voice:

"Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by name; thou art mine." - God (Isaiah 43:1)

And then very gently:

"When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee." - God (Isaiah 43:2)

And the peace that surpasses all understanding filled me. At least for a little while.

"He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings." -Psalm 40

I write to you now from the bottom of the pit. My pit's probably different than your pit and I might be in a different pit next month. If you can see the sunshine from where you are, hallelujah and soak it in... but then bring snacks and a flashlight candle over here.

I don't have a lot to say. I had to go back and read some of the things I've written lately, just to see if I was really that hopeful, to see if any of it made sense. Because sometimes it feels like nothing makes sense. Sometime it's hard to believe there is any kind of plan or purpose. Sometimes it feels like there is no hope.

My flesh and my heart fail. I've already forgotten that I'm supposed to be a cathedral and I think I'm a tomb. Humans are flawed, fickle, sinful creatures. Didn't the Hebrews wander around in the wilderness for 40 years before they made it to the promised land? Because they doubted God. Every step of the way, God provided them with what they needed, and yet they continued to doubt. I remember reading that story and thinking, "Why?! Why do they continue to make the same mistake over and over and over? They could have been there by now!"

Yep.

Eventually, I came to realize that, wait a minute... I do the same dumb stuff over and over too...

I don't really want to wander in the "desert" for 40 years. And even though I don't feel hopeful, I try to remember that there is hope. 

"In my distress, I cried unto the Lord, and he heard me."-Psalm 120:1

"For we would not, brethren, have you ignorant of our trouble which came to us, that we were pressed out of measure, above strength, insomuch that we despaired even of life:

But we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves, but in God which raiseth the dead:

Who delivered us from so great a death, and doth deliver: in whom we trust that he will yet deliver us." -2 Corinthians 1:8-9

"For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part, but then shall I know even as also I am known." -1 Corinthians 13:12

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." -Philippians 4:13

Even this.