Tuesday, June 28, 2016

From My Stony Heart

I've considered starting a blog for a long time. Sometimes I start one and then I delete it. Blogs are scary. It's like writing a diary and putting it on the internet for anyone to find. People I actually know could read this. And then they would judge me.

I have always loved the idea of journaling, but I have trouble creating the habit of keeping one. When I was 10 or 11, my brothers and cousin would rummage through my bedroom and read my "diary" (not a real diary with anything of substance in it, but a small notebook that had something like "I love Trey" and hearts drawn on every single page). They would go through all my things. My clothes, my toys, notebooks, whatever. And then they would make fun of me. So now I am afraid to keep my thoughts outside of my head. Thanks, guys.

Anyway, I won't bore anyone who stumbles across this with an introduction to me. That feels weird. Instead I wanted to get out some things that have been swirling through my head this morning as I put away laundry and cared for kids and ate breakfast.

I have been reading some incredible stories lately about big things happening in people's lives. As I went about my way this morning, I found myself thinking, Why doesn't God do big things in my life? How come amazing things don't happen to me? Why is it only other people?

In full disclosure, I have lived my adult life firmly agnostic, sometimes bordering on atheist. I have viewed my friends and other people who claim to be Christians with heavy skepticism, cynicism, and yes, judgement. Most people I have come across in my real life give a lot of lip service to God, but I rarely see any evidence of him in the way they act or speak or live in their day to day life. I haven't gone to church since I was about 16 because church seemed like a big show everyone was putting on; it just didn't feel real to me.

But something has been stirring inside of me lately. I have been wondering.

Immediately after I thought Why doesn't God do big things in my life?, I answered myself with Because I have never let Him. I have always believed I make things happen for myself. I have never trusted anyone but me with my own life and I didn't give credit to anyone for good or bad things that happen. I viewed people who "give it all to God" as naive. I thought of God as a safety blanket. It makes people feel better to think that someone else is in control.

But I'm wondering now. Could I be wrong?

I don't know yet for sure.

In November, during a particularly rough season, I bought a bible. And then I hid it from my husband. I didn't want to admit that I might be reconsidering or changing or, especially, that I might be wrong.

I don't intend for this blog to be about me finding God. But I do want it to be a kind of record of our life. That is, my and my family's life. The truth is, a lot of big things have happened in my life. And I think there are more big things coming. And I want to write the story down.

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