Whithersoever Thou Goest

Today was hard. Like, the kind of hard that has you walking around with a lump in your throat and crying on the living room floor when it’s finally over. The kind of day that has you convinced you can’t do this, you’re the worst, you’re a terrible mother. I tried to draw strength from somewhere, but I was drawing from an empty cup.

Turn it upside down and shake it, not a drop would come out.

And I realized... I’ve been focusing on my health, what I eat, how I’m sleeping, taking care of my body and my mind. I've been trying to focus on relationships and connecting and speaking love to my kids and my husband (failed at this today - it felt like every word that came out of my mouth was venom).

Meanwhile, I’m not taking care of my Spirit. And if you aren't taking care of your Spirit, well, everything else is bound to fall apart. I’ve been going through the motions of reading my Bible every day, trying to get in a whole prayer before I fall asleep at night, but I haven't really been talking to God and I haven't really been sitting still long enough to listen for Him.

So here I am again. Wandering around in the wilderness. Because people never learn. 

I'm sitting here wondering how I can get up and do this all again tomorrow. And God whispers, "Ask me."

"...for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest." - Joshua 1:9

I heard Him earlier in a song that I had never heard before. I started crying at this part:

"Allow Me to introduce Myself again

I was with you every place you've ever been

I'm the One that held you when you couldn't stand

If you're wondering who can heal your brokenness, I can

I can"

-House On A Hill, Amanda Cook

He is with me. All I have to do is remember that my strength doesn't come from me, it comes from Him. All I have to do is ask. And I can face the challenges of tomorrow, and more importantly, I can be open to seeing the beauty in all this mess, which is something I can't do when I'm stuck inside my own head, wallowing around in my miry pit.

More than conquerors.

When I got to the end of writing my post last night, I was a little dumbfounded. A little bit overcome with emotion and gratitude. I didn't know whether to laugh or to cry or to jump up and down and shout.

I cannot always see the ways in which God has his hands on my life. In fact, I would say that I can hardly ever see it, rather I am operating mostly on blind faith and hope. But as I was writing last night, and my brain was sifting and working through my thoughts, I caught a glimpse. There was the briefest, fleeting kind of clarity. I could see how God had covered me. I, who am less than the least of all the saints.

I don't think that being covered by God means that he shields us from pain or difficulty or from terrible things. I think he gives us what we need to survive the pain and terrible things, so that we are not torn down completely, but can rise up and become something greater than we were.

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.
Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:35-39

Sometimes I do feel like I am being killed all the day long.

But God is my refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble. So. Not today, Satan.